i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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