i jhust puked up my retainher.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
