He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
