She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I wish I could punch you in the face.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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