I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
