I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
