it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
