when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
