Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
