1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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