Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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