o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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