You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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