His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
