Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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