I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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