i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
