True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
