I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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