Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
