I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
