Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
