Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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