I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
