Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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