What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
