We named our party play list daddy issues
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
