I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
