i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
