I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
