I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
