omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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