I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
