I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
