Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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