he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
