he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
