sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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