Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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