Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
