Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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