who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
