apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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