who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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