Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
