Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
