It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
