Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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