theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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