why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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