Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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