Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
